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“Ah, Duncan, thanks for coming to my office,” I say brightly.

Duncan doesn’t really do ‘bright’ but he does at least nod politely.

“Come on in, take a seat.”

Duncan pulls out a chair, turns around three times on the spot, and sits down.

“You ok?” I ask.

“Just checking for predators,” he mumbles.

I don’t know what to do with that, so I just push on.

“Duncan, you were a striker,” I say.

Duncan Ferguson glares at me.

“Duncan, you were a great striker.”

He nods for me to continue.

“So you tell me,” I continue. “Romelu Lukaku is out for three months. How much trouble are we in?”

“It could be worse,” he says. “Enner Valencia’s got a bit of fire in his belly, he wants it, he’s quick off the mark, he’s not slow to have a crack.”

“Yes,” I say. “I was reviewing his data this morning. Five shots in 51 minutes, two on target, one off the post, one in the back of the net. And his pass completion was high too.”

Duncan bristles.

“Don’t come at me with numbers. You don’t need numbers to know a footballer, you just need to look in their eyes and watch them closely on the pitch.”

“And what do you see when you watch Baye Oumar Niasse on the pitch?”

Duncan sighs.

“I don’t see a Premier League striker.”

“Arouna Kone?”

Duncan shudders.

“No,” he says. “Just no.”

“So we need to go shopping,” I say. “Either for a young understudy or an old…”

“Why not try one of the kids?” says my Head of Youth Development Joe Royle, sticking his head around the corner of the door.

“How long have you been there?” I say, startled.

“I made my debut at 16,” he chuckles, ignoring the question. “I think I did okay. Everton’s top goalscorer. Five years in a row. Not many people mention that now. Only six caps for England? Well, it’s not something that bothers me. Anyway, have a look at some of the kids in the U23 side, they might surprise you.”

“It’s tricky, Joe,” I say. “David Unsworth just does his own thing over there. I keep telling him who to pick and he keeps ignoring me.”

“Well,” muses Joe, stroking his chin, “if he’s not doing the job you want, you could always…let him go?”

There’s an U23 game that very day, so I give a half each to forgotten Uruguayan lurker Leandro Rodriguez and a 20-year-old by the name of Dominic Calvert-Lewin, as well as granting Kevin Mirallas a chance to impress some Chinese scouts and giving a game to emergency left-back signing Enric Saborit. We’re playing Manchester City and their new manager Pep Guardiola has dumped Kelechi Iheanacho, Yaya Toure, Jesus Navas, Brahim Diaz, Tosin and half-man-half-octopus Willy Caballero into his reserves, but we win 1-0 with a goal from Rodriguez and so the Uruguayan becomes my third-choice striker.

We’re not in Europe this year, obviously, and my policy in such cases is to take the domestic cups extremely seriously. Our visitors are Philippe Montanier’s Nottingham Forest and, with the exception of the stricken Lukaku, I name an unchanged side.

It is not a pleasant evening. We start well but Leighton Baines misses an early penalty and we slowly sag. Gareth Barry looks every one of his 35 years and I probably shouldn’t have asked him to play two games in three days. Forest run around him like children dancing around an old oak tree. We make more and better chances than Forest (as well we should, they’re 21st in the Championship), we hit the post twice, but they take us to an entirely unwanted 30 minutes of extra-time. Niasse comes on for the ineffective Valencia, but makes no impact whatsoever. And then they beat us after an epic penalty shoot-out. So we’re out of the cup and now everyone’s knackered for Watford at the weekend. Marvellous.

I give the players two days off and that helps mitigate the worst effects of our late night, but we’re still not 100% by the weekend. I make three changes, replacing both the wingers and Domagoj Vida. Ashley Williams makes his full debut and it’s a real opportunity for him and others to force their way back into my thinking.

And that’s what Kevin Mirallas does midway through the first half when he rifles a free kick into the back of the net. Unfortunately, that’s the only crouton in a bucket full of cold soup. We’re so disjointed, we seem to spend the entire half whacking crosses at their three centre-backs. Ashley Williams really struggles to get to grips with Troy Deeney, but the Watford striker fails to take advantage, repeatedly belting his shots into the crowd.

We’re leading 1-0 at half-time but we’re not playing well and so I give them a bit of a talking-to and send them back out there. It makes a little bit of a difference, Mirallas crashes a shot off the post when he’s picked out with a fine cross by James McLean, but that’s the extent of our progress. A triple substitution and the deployment of Mirallas up front (I just can’t with Niasse) seems to give us a little boost but then Watford attack, the hapless Williams knocks over Stefano Okaka in the box, the referee gives them a penalty and Ben Watson slides it away. We didn’t play well, we didn’t deserve the win and I don’t think Williams will ever play for my first team again.

And so August ends, an international break begins and in the absence of half the playing staff we can stock of our start. We have a functional game plan, our combative 4-5-1, and the players are now familiar with it. We’ll start work on a second tactic soon, something a little more fluid and progressive, but nothing too wild because we’re still Everton.

We have seven points on the board from three of the easier fixtures of the season. That’s a decent return and I’m happy not to be facing Manchester City after the break under any sort of pressure. I am still upset about being knocked out of the League Cup, we could have done something there, but at least we won’t be able to complain about fixture congestion. If we can come through September (Man City away, Spurs away and Hull at home) with four points, I’ll be happy enough with that, especially without Lukaku.

We’ve spent £25m and bought two first team players (Rick Karsdorp, currently averaging 7.2 in the PL, Domagoj Vida, 7.85) a substitute (James McLean 6.8) and an emergency left-back (Enric Saborit, yet to play). That’s pretty good business.

We’re up and running, we’re sitting at the top of the table and, while I don’t expect to stay there much longer, I’ve been in worse scrapes than this. Roll on September.

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